Keeps Me Logged In: How Technology's Physical Warmth Brushes Your Thigh and Creates Lust, Not Love

be E.J. Kruser

  Social Media is part of all of our lives, whether we like to admit that we still have a Facebook account, which stopped being cool two years ago, or not. Just kidding, it was never cool. But do you know what is cool? High test scores and extracurricular activities! Straight A report cards! A clean and healthy colon! Scholarships to Ivy Leagues and student loans under 30 Gs! Do you feel me, PHS? Or, is it necessary for me to punctuate the end of each sentence with “#Realtalk” for everyone to understand that, by typing these individual characters on my keyboard, I’m really saying words? #Thatsunnecessary

  The point is this: social networking negatively affects our productivity. In the United States alone, 12,207,423,487 collective hours are spent browsing on a social network every day. I use the word “spent” and not “wasted” because I am not some all-seeing omnipotent being, and therefore cannot know for certain whether you took two-and-a-half hours to arrange your silos in Farmville or were reconnecting with your estranged, long-lost cousin via instant message. I’m fairly certain, however, that the time you spent on YouTube did not help you get any further in understanding your essay assignment on transcendentalism. According to sources, the GPA of college students that regularly use Facebook is a full point lower than peers who resist the urge to check the “Keep me logged in” button. Today’s youth need some sort of outlet for all their creativity and desire to share their own subjectiveness regarding such subjects as what I ate for lunch and collections of low-resolution pictures of my cat, but more importantly, they need to develop their brain regions. Developing and stimulating are two very different things. Social networks are good for the latter. It only makes sense that young adults in America are drawn to social networking sites, because it’s all they know.

  Our generation grew up in correspondence with the ever-evolving world of technology. It’s always been there, and it just looks so darn attractive! Recalling my 8th grade health class, this is known as lust, and not love. Paul thinks he’s in love with Susie because she’s the only one whose hair holds that alluring aroma that he can never quite put his finger on. It’s conditioner. There are a thousand other females who use the exact same Herbal Essences product. Unfortunately, Paul hasn’t come within close enough proximity to 999 of these lovely ladies to adopt the same feelings he has for Susie. This same principle applies to the world of social media. Because we haven’t encountered anything quite like Tumblr in our real lives, we feel like this must be the one and most amazing way to share photos and videos with your friends. Well, maybe it is, or maybe the face-to-face interaction that occurs when indulging in the old-fashioned way of photo sharing (showing your friends physical Polaroid photographs) offers a much greater form of satisfaction on a far deeper, more personal level. If you never strive to obtain the next best thing, you will never know it. If you don’t thrive in school because you are preoccupied with status updates and Imgur albums, how will you ever make it to the Big Apple, where your would-be soul mate Fernando awaits to share wisdom and the greatest cat pictures ever taken with you? You won’t. But you need to. Not for yourself, but for everyone else whose lives you are affecting by blowing up news feeds and photo-bombing friends’ selfies. Log off the interweb and start taking steps towards your real-life goals. Be all that you can be. Do it. Do it for Fernando.